"teaching myself"

she didn’t understand
I could see it in the blank stare
that says I wish I did
I want to know
I don’t want you to realize
my weakness, my stupidity
but I have no idea what you just said.

the eyes said it all to me
because she is my mirror
In a parallel time I am she
sitting across from those foreign words
stretching and grasping
cycling my mind in meaningless motion
knowing deeply that I could not know
but impossibly hoping
searching for that impossibility
buried in my conscious
me the teacher
teaching me

it’s so easy, just say it I think
why don’t you know what ‘express’ means?
my eyes roll through the words and a void
descends on me… she talks with such meaning
expresses herself in body and eye but
it means nothing to me
where does the meaning hide?
somewhere in the middle
a mean of all, words and eyes?

I see through her stare
I know her thoughts are mine
floating freely inside
unconfined in case or form
future, tense, or gender
but I have no access
my mind bars its private swamp
of primordial ideas, clear in form
I reach, stretch, ache and roll
but in the end I turn
to my teacher
staring blankly into myself